Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
