i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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