Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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