Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
