6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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