2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I need moral support for this bender
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
