Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
