In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
