I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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