She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
