thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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