the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
