Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
