My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
