I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
