Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
