i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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