It's like God shit irony all over that family
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
