do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
