Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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