I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
