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he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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