Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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