Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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