god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
