so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
