so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
