My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
