you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
