Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
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Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
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Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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