I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Holy sore nipples Batman
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
