Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
