the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
