i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
