so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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