I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
