cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
