Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
