I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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