I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
