Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
