susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
