You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
