Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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