i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
ttyl tear gas
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
All I want is dick and wine.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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