i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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