Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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