Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
