maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
