we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
