so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
