i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
