hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
