The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
