I am puke
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
