he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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