Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
