and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
