Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
