I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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