smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
