Quick, to the slutcave!
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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