***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
