I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
